Movie Review - Fifty Shades Of Grey

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (2015)

     USA, 125 Mins

Dir: Sam Taylor-Johnson

Ahh the measures I go to for my fellow Linc-ers! When I agreed way back in December 2013 to go & review this movie when it was released I really didn’t think things through, did I? Still, an agreement is an agreement, so along to the cinemas I went earlier this week.

So in case you've just arrived on Planet Earth in the last few days, Fifty Shades Of Grey is an erotic romance film adapted from the very successful book of the same name by British author E L James, which I haven’t read I should stress from the outset – so this film review is based solely on the viewing of the film itself. The two key characters are Anastasia Steele (played by Dakota Johnson) & Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Grey is a young corporate executive, who is already a billionaire despite his young age. Anastasia is a young college undergraduate attending class near Vancouver, who fills in for her roommate Kate in a rare scheduled interview with Mr Grey at his corporate headquarters in Seattle for her college newspaper, of which Mr Grey is a patron of. Mr Grey from the outset takes an interest in Ana, & a blossoming romance develops from there, which goes into some deep & at times kinky places as the relationship evolves. And that my friends, is it. That’s your entire storyline in 125 minutes of film. Seriously, nothing else of any note storyline-wise happens at all outside of Mr Grey & Ana’s rapidly escalating relationship.

Look, obviously opinions are going to vary widely on this film. As a single guy in his late 30’s seeing this film, Fifty Shades Of Grey clearly resonated with me a lot differently than it would for younger females for instance.  I had already garnered very different views by the time I saw it on Tuesday night. But this my film review, so I’m not going to mince words here – this was quite possibly the worst film I’ve ever seen. Nothing actually happens outside of the relationship. No character development takes place. No other plot points are developed, outside Ana & Kate actually graduating from college & moving to Seattle. The supporting cast are nigh invisible. Ana’s afore-mentioned roommate Kate bobs up occasionally, usually just to bounce off some dialogue with Ana on just what exactly is happening with her & Mr Grey. Though she does find time to bed Christian’s brother Elliot, though how & why is never explored of course. Ana’s parents also bob up at some point in time, but again rather than play any meaningful role, they really seem to just be there to bounce more questions & answers about her budding romance than anything more meaningful.

This film was literally unsalvageable even before we reached the steamy stuff – I was literally ready to gouge my own eyeballs out by then, going by how lame everything had been till this point. And even the selling point of some pretty full on sex scenes, to speak nothing of the more kinky stuff which follows later on really seemed awkward. There is little chemistry here between the two main actors. Maybe couples going to see this might find this risqué stuff a turn-on, but otherwise again it just seemed painful & awkward to watch, even though this was obviously a selling point of the book & film.

I honestly have tried to find something worthy to come out of this steaming pile of crap in the last few days, but still haven’t found one. Honestly, I’ve seen better story-lines in the cartoons I watched in the 80’s when I was 10 years old. I’ve seen more meaningful & deeper dialogue in my 11 year old niece’s acting classes.  There is literally nothing to take out of this film – its 125 minutes of my life I’m never getting back L Even the ending makes little sense, other than leaving the door wide open for the other books in the series to be adapted into films to continue the saga I guess. I NEVER walk out of films before they finish, & especially in this case as the sole reason I was going was to review it, & I literally had to stop myself several times from getting up & walking out during some scenes, it was THAT bad.

I’ll refrain from labelling Fifty Shades Of Grey as the worst movie of all time – it warrants a bit more perspective than just a few days to be crowned that dubious honour. The film has broken box office records in the States, & I daresay we won’t be far behind either, so it really matters little what I think in the scheme of things anyway. Ladies will swarm to this, & no doubt drag their blokes with them. Though I urge anyone to re-think this decision, very very seriously.  If this crap is what passes as must-see viewing these days, then somebody needs to get me on that space shuttle to Mars, cause I want off this planet.

Fifty Shades Of Grey scores a DUD (zero stars)